Tuesday, November 3, 2009
ADULTRY
AND HE IS.... my addiction, flat out no exaggeration, he has my cooperation, in any situation.....AND HE IS....what skips my heartbeat, what takes me off a my feet, the thoughts in my own daydreams, oh yes that is my babyAND HE IS....who brings good pain.., can feel him in my veins, the one who makes me sang, the SQUEEZE that is my MAIN.... AND HE IS.....finer than peach hair, a beauty worth the stare, a soul so very rare, i just cant help but care... BUT HE IS.....another's man, and i want him but i cant, take hold of his precious hand, HE IS forever banned.....AND HE IS.......
HE WANNA BE...
He see a bad lil breezy, eyeballs all on me
Sizin me up from my pedi to my bra cup
Tryna be slick he start with the game
Slidin over take my hand "mama, whats ya name?"
Conversation real fast, he wanna know what I do
How I make my cash, n make it do what it do
He thinkin DAMN SHE COLD, AND SHE POLISHED AS HELL, AND I CAN GET THE CASH IF I CAN HIT THAT TAIL...
He tryna have me bent backwards givin him all my doe
Doin his work for him, he be the pimp I be the hoe
Little do he know I met a few like him befo
They get as far as I let em, then I lead em to the doe
Baby boy don't come at me like u think I got YO cash
Think u can take me for my ends and have me sprung off some ass
I know u use to getting what u want, aint even gotta try
But look here boy u wont get shit from me I'm way to f$@ fly.
See u done bumped into a chic that get spoiled by herself
She work too hard and way to smart to let a n*gga get the wealth
Keep it movin lil papi its some pigeons down the wayIm way to fly, too classy, and too smart to get sucka'd by a lame
Sizin me up from my pedi to my bra cup
Tryna be slick he start with the game
Slidin over take my hand "mama, whats ya name?"
Conversation real fast, he wanna know what I do
How I make my cash, n make it do what it do
He thinkin DAMN SHE COLD, AND SHE POLISHED AS HELL, AND I CAN GET THE CASH IF I CAN HIT THAT TAIL...
He tryna have me bent backwards givin him all my doe
Doin his work for him, he be the pimp I be the hoe
Little do he know I met a few like him befo
They get as far as I let em, then I lead em to the doe
Baby boy don't come at me like u think I got YO cash
Think u can take me for my ends and have me sprung off some ass
I know u use to getting what u want, aint even gotta try
But look here boy u wont get shit from me I'm way to f$@ fly.
See u done bumped into a chic that get spoiled by herself
She work too hard and way to smart to let a n*gga get the wealth
Keep it movin lil papi its some pigeons down the wayIm way to fly, too classy, and too smart to get sucka'd by a lame
the tru color of JADE.
THEY ALWAYS SAY DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER RIGHT…? You are a reflection of your actions true? Hmm… ....
....
....I AM A DREAMER. I daydream all day long. Literally. It helps get me through my day. I've always been this way. I day dream about things that have happened that I enjoyed, with people who I adore….I daydream about things that I want to happen, and things that will probably NEVER happen. I Admit. Maybe I live in a fantasy world. When I was a teenager, I use to write a lot more than I do now. I wrote a lot of stories. I would make up characters that I wanted to be for a day, and men that were perfect, and just make the perfect story. I still have some on an old computer disk somewhere. Lol. But it is a part of me. It eases my mind but when reality hits, it hits like a cold bag of ice. I always get knocked upside the head with the truth like HELLO…COME BACK TO EARTH JADE. I am a very shy person. Some girls yearn for attention, love making a scene, love to step out, love to be outgoing and loud, and HOT. I, on the other hand, enjoy that sometimes. For the most part, I like to keep to myself (and my friends). I don't like big crowds foreal. I always see somebody I know, or don't like. I don't like walkin down the street and niggas howlin. If they pick the right day, it may boost your self esteem, but I just rather go about my biz, and not be noticed sometimes. I don't always like the spotlight on me. I'm really not stuck up, people mistake my shyness for I think I'm better than you. I truly do try to get along with everybody, even though I don't with most females. Because they are that type. I just try to live my life. And every morning I wake up, I tell myself today will be better than yesterday, and maybe my fantasies will come true. Ha. I know its silly, but everybody has their own little tweeks and twerks that makes their life work. I'm just a content girly girl, I believe in looking my best everyday. I rarely get seen looking a mess. (And if you got highschool pics from me looking a mess, please BURN THEM). I like wearin makeup. Not that I NEED IT. I don't. Its just that extra thing that brings that EXTRA POLISHED look, and brings that sexy out. People like "Go without your makeup I wanna see what you look like." That cracks me up. I still look like me. I just like makeup. I like my hair big, and curly. I like wearing flashy jewelry. I like big flashy purses. I like dying my hair and switching my look completely. Its just a part of my own personal creativity. I like all the girly stuff that was made for girls. If you lived with me, you would see me underneath it all. I'm not hiding. I'm simply expressing myself. Like you do when you tattoo your body. Only makeup washes off. I love men. They are the objects of my fantasies. LOL. That don't mean I run through them like most chics. For the most part, if I see somebody I like, I can be satisfied with knowing that I could have him, and FANTASIZE about it, and never act on it. Ha I know ya probably like she crazy, but im honest. I'm tired of people looking at me and judging me. Thinking I GO HARD, or niggas thinking they can get me to spend and do whatever they want. Now that cracks me up. Only one man in my life had me gone over him. And he snatched me up YOUNG. And even for him, I had limits. But to think back, he never even asked for too much. He never wanted me to do things that would corrupt my spirit, or things I would feel terrible about. I thought he aint care back then. Now I KNOW…HE CARED THE MOST. To this day, I don't hear nothing about him. EVER. People that I have only DEALT WITH not BEEN with, have wanted more than he ever did. BUT BACK TO ME…….. I know my dad's eyes will bulge at this, so HIT BACKSPACE NOW….but I love sex. Who don't? Its one of the most deadliest sins. People actually die from this thing that makes you feel like you are on another planet. I love sex, but I love more, the connection. I love to be wanted. I love to be desired, I love to be controlled, haha, I love how it feels, but I love the fantasy side of it. I don't like after, when you come down off of your high, the reality that it has side effects. You may or may not get pregnant, you may or may not get feelings, and get stuck with someone you don't really even want to get stuck with, or maybe even someone you don't even know. You may or may not get burnt. You may or may not DIE. YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KILL SOMEBODY ELSE. How bout that. I've had my share of MISTAKES. Thank GOD, my body is still fine n dandy. But when you fantasize, see you can avoid all this….haha. I'm just getting to the point in my life that I know I deserve much more than I have allowed myself. I should never have to settle. Things that are so bad, so naughty, always make you wanna go for it… And a lot of times I have. And I have paid for it. I get my feelings hurt all the time. But how can I be mad at someone else for doing what they were tempted to do, when I did the same thing? People never want to believe they hurt feelings. I never want to believe I hurt somebody's feelings, im not even that type. I'm not malicious. But maybe neither was HE… maybe he don't wanna believe he hurt feelings either. He never meant to, he just living his life…. Nothing is owed to anybody…RIGHT? One friend told me my feelings are strong but fragile….I could never doubt that. He hit the nail on the head. But the rest of the nails, he missed. See I have always been MISJUDGED. Most women are. I have been mistaken for a lot of things I am not. And me falling into the temptations that I have, has made it seem even more that I am something I am not. There's more to me than the outside appearance, the front that I put on (like the rest of the world), more to me than my liking for bad things, and cuss words. (sorry fam). But I can only be who I can be. Everybody, please meet JADE…..
....
....I AM A DREAMER. I daydream all day long. Literally. It helps get me through my day. I've always been this way. I day dream about things that have happened that I enjoyed, with people who I adore….I daydream about things that I want to happen, and things that will probably NEVER happen. I Admit. Maybe I live in a fantasy world. When I was a teenager, I use to write a lot more than I do now. I wrote a lot of stories. I would make up characters that I wanted to be for a day, and men that were perfect, and just make the perfect story. I still have some on an old computer disk somewhere. Lol. But it is a part of me. It eases my mind but when reality hits, it hits like a cold bag of ice. I always get knocked upside the head with the truth like HELLO…COME BACK TO EARTH JADE. I am a very shy person. Some girls yearn for attention, love making a scene, love to step out, love to be outgoing and loud, and HOT. I, on the other hand, enjoy that sometimes. For the most part, I like to keep to myself (and my friends). I don't like big crowds foreal. I always see somebody I know, or don't like. I don't like walkin down the street and niggas howlin. If they pick the right day, it may boost your self esteem, but I just rather go about my biz, and not be noticed sometimes. I don't always like the spotlight on me. I'm really not stuck up, people mistake my shyness for I think I'm better than you. I truly do try to get along with everybody, even though I don't with most females. Because they are that type. I just try to live my life. And every morning I wake up, I tell myself today will be better than yesterday, and maybe my fantasies will come true. Ha. I know its silly, but everybody has their own little tweeks and twerks that makes their life work. I'm just a content girly girl, I believe in looking my best everyday. I rarely get seen looking a mess. (And if you got highschool pics from me looking a mess, please BURN THEM). I like wearin makeup. Not that I NEED IT. I don't. Its just that extra thing that brings that EXTRA POLISHED look, and brings that sexy out. People like "Go without your makeup I wanna see what you look like." That cracks me up. I still look like me. I just like makeup. I like my hair big, and curly. I like wearing flashy jewelry. I like big flashy purses. I like dying my hair and switching my look completely. Its just a part of my own personal creativity. I like all the girly stuff that was made for girls. If you lived with me, you would see me underneath it all. I'm not hiding. I'm simply expressing myself. Like you do when you tattoo your body. Only makeup washes off. I love men. They are the objects of my fantasies. LOL. That don't mean I run through them like most chics. For the most part, if I see somebody I like, I can be satisfied with knowing that I could have him, and FANTASIZE about it, and never act on it. Ha I know ya probably like she crazy, but im honest. I'm tired of people looking at me and judging me. Thinking I GO HARD, or niggas thinking they can get me to spend and do whatever they want. Now that cracks me up. Only one man in my life had me gone over him. And he snatched me up YOUNG. And even for him, I had limits. But to think back, he never even asked for too much. He never wanted me to do things that would corrupt my spirit, or things I would feel terrible about. I thought he aint care back then. Now I KNOW…HE CARED THE MOST. To this day, I don't hear nothing about him. EVER. People that I have only DEALT WITH not BEEN with, have wanted more than he ever did. BUT BACK TO ME…….. I know my dad's eyes will bulge at this, so HIT BACKSPACE NOW….but I love sex. Who don't? Its one of the most deadliest sins. People actually die from this thing that makes you feel like you are on another planet. I love sex, but I love more, the connection. I love to be wanted. I love to be desired, I love to be controlled, haha, I love how it feels, but I love the fantasy side of it. I don't like after, when you come down off of your high, the reality that it has side effects. You may or may not get pregnant, you may or may not get feelings, and get stuck with someone you don't really even want to get stuck with, or maybe even someone you don't even know. You may or may not get burnt. You may or may not DIE. YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KILL SOMEBODY ELSE. How bout that. I've had my share of MISTAKES. Thank GOD, my body is still fine n dandy. But when you fantasize, see you can avoid all this….haha. I'm just getting to the point in my life that I know I deserve much more than I have allowed myself. I should never have to settle. Things that are so bad, so naughty, always make you wanna go for it… And a lot of times I have. And I have paid for it. I get my feelings hurt all the time. But how can I be mad at someone else for doing what they were tempted to do, when I did the same thing? People never want to believe they hurt feelings. I never want to believe I hurt somebody's feelings, im not even that type. I'm not malicious. But maybe neither was HE… maybe he don't wanna believe he hurt feelings either. He never meant to, he just living his life…. Nothing is owed to anybody…RIGHT? One friend told me my feelings are strong but fragile….I could never doubt that. He hit the nail on the head. But the rest of the nails, he missed. See I have always been MISJUDGED. Most women are. I have been mistaken for a lot of things I am not. And me falling into the temptations that I have, has made it seem even more that I am something I am not. There's more to me than the outside appearance, the front that I put on (like the rest of the world), more to me than my liking for bad things, and cuss words. (sorry fam). But I can only be who I can be. Everybody, please meet JADE…..
elements of pain
I'm cluttered with so much emotion, its hard for me to breathe.
I cant see my hand in front of myself, because your choking me.
It's like i've come to a dead end, on an ONGOING street. Your like an invisible offender, that keeps knocking me off my feet.
My oxygen is getting low, my brain's starting to drown. You use to be my life saver, now your pushing my head down.
My heart beats everyday for you, and you cant understand.Unconsciencely your drowning me, please give me your hand!
And for one quick second you realize, and back off for a chance, but slowly you creep back up on me and choke me once again...
I'm strong but i'm not strong enough, I just cant get away. It hurts so bad, but i love you so much, that i just have to stay.
So i take a deep breath and hold it in, as life is drained from me; and let you have your way and you get what you need from me.
You lie to me and talk to me like i'm so ignorant. I stare at you and wonder where the hell your respect went.
You use to love me, treat me right, i was a HUMAN BEING. But your not the person I knew before and I'm just your PLAYTHING.
My only hope of breaking away is that you'll set me free. Whether it be to to change or just to turn your back on me and leave.
You've made me hate myself so much for not having the strength to deal. This pain instilled, it runs so deep, I'm never gonna heal.
A happy day comes once in a while, where "I love you" seems to float from your smile; and i'm sucked back into you once again, to go that extra mile....
And then the darkness settles in as I begin to see... your hands have slipped around my neck again....YOUR CHOKING ME.
I cant see my hand in front of myself, because your choking me.
It's like i've come to a dead end, on an ONGOING street. Your like an invisible offender, that keeps knocking me off my feet.
My oxygen is getting low, my brain's starting to drown. You use to be my life saver, now your pushing my head down.
My heart beats everyday for you, and you cant understand.Unconsciencely your drowning me, please give me your hand!
And for one quick second you realize, and back off for a chance, but slowly you creep back up on me and choke me once again...
I'm strong but i'm not strong enough, I just cant get away. It hurts so bad, but i love you so much, that i just have to stay.
So i take a deep breath and hold it in, as life is drained from me; and let you have your way and you get what you need from me.
You lie to me and talk to me like i'm so ignorant. I stare at you and wonder where the hell your respect went.
You use to love me, treat me right, i was a HUMAN BEING. But your not the person I knew before and I'm just your PLAYTHING.
My only hope of breaking away is that you'll set me free. Whether it be to to change or just to turn your back on me and leave.
You've made me hate myself so much for not having the strength to deal. This pain instilled, it runs so deep, I'm never gonna heal.
A happy day comes once in a while, where "I love you" seems to float from your smile; and i'm sucked back into you once again, to go that extra mile....
And then the darkness settles in as I begin to see... your hands have slipped around my neck again....YOUR CHOKING ME.
My disease
Get inside, travel through my vein
All around, can you see my pain?
Feel my blood flow slowing down...
Hardly moving....little sound
Swim your may into my heart,
Bruises that came from your part.
You see yourself? Inside of me?
Weighing my heart down constantly?
See how much love you get from me?
How much I care? DO YOU SEE??
Change your route to ARTERY Lane.
Find your way up to my brain...
But enter very cautiously.
Unlock the door, dont lose the key.
Wanna see how things use to be?
Walk over to MEMORY.
Be careful it may hurt your eyes,
Cause in this closet, the truth there lies...
July 2000, summertime...
Remember when you became mine?
Keep looking, see all our goodtimes?
See how the emotions climb?
Listen now..my pulse will zoom...
That's when i fell in love with you.
Whatever you did, I didn't mind.
Thats how the love start goin blind.
Fast forward to 2003,
The 10th day of February...
Look at how happy you made me,
And how anxious I use to be.
As time went on, you went astray...
Notice the different shades of gray...
The darker the gray, the more the rain,
Decrease in joy, increase in pain.
LISTEN....Do you hear your lies..?
You see how many times i cried??
November 18th, the gray turned black...
The end of the road, no turning back.
MEMORY is done, there is no more.
Exit now, and close the door.
Take VESSEL Rd. to Love's Demise;
Past tear ducts, straight to my eyes...
These are the windows to it all,
Dont lean to much, you might just fall.
There is no glass, no stopping place.
Puddles of pain leak onto my face.
Do you see your pictures everywhere?
All the time i spend to stare?
Hold onto something, here comes the floods...
They rush out, hit the floor in thuds.
There's pain inside these salty tears.
There's hurt, regret, stress, guilt and fear.
Can you see the poems that I write?
The only release that does feel right...
Do you see the scribbles in my notebook...
How our kids names, and ours combined look?
More rivers flowing past your feet...
This time expressing my DEFEAT.
I just can't get you out of me.
It's almost like your part of me.
The number one neccessity
That makes me function properly.
But also just like a disease
Thats very slowly killing me.
Stop hurting me, make me happy
Or if you cant, just let me be.
Depart from my eyes heart and memory...
Let me begin my recovery.
I hope you learned from this journey
How damaging playing with love can be.
What happen? Have you forgot about me?
You fed me to the wolves, and they were so hungry....
You've damaged my life now I cant BE
You Sir, Yes YOU, were my everything...
All around, can you see my pain?
Feel my blood flow slowing down...
Hardly moving....little sound
Swim your may into my heart,
Bruises that came from your part.
You see yourself? Inside of me?
Weighing my heart down constantly?
See how much love you get from me?
How much I care? DO YOU SEE??
Change your route to ARTERY Lane.
Find your way up to my brain...
But enter very cautiously.
Unlock the door, dont lose the key.
Wanna see how things use to be?
Walk over to MEMORY.
Be careful it may hurt your eyes,
Cause in this closet, the truth there lies...
July 2000, summertime...
Remember when you became mine?
Keep looking, see all our goodtimes?
See how the emotions climb?
Listen now..my pulse will zoom...
That's when i fell in love with you.
Whatever you did, I didn't mind.
Thats how the love start goin blind.
Fast forward to 2003,
The 10th day of February...
Look at how happy you made me,
And how anxious I use to be.
As time went on, you went astray...
Notice the different shades of gray...
The darker the gray, the more the rain,
Decrease in joy, increase in pain.
LISTEN....Do you hear your lies..?
You see how many times i cried??
November 18th, the gray turned black...
The end of the road, no turning back.
MEMORY is done, there is no more.
Exit now, and close the door.
Take VESSEL Rd. to Love's Demise;
Past tear ducts, straight to my eyes...
These are the windows to it all,
Dont lean to much, you might just fall.
There is no glass, no stopping place.
Puddles of pain leak onto my face.
Do you see your pictures everywhere?
All the time i spend to stare?
Hold onto something, here comes the floods...
They rush out, hit the floor in thuds.
There's pain inside these salty tears.
There's hurt, regret, stress, guilt and fear.
Can you see the poems that I write?
The only release that does feel right...
Do you see the scribbles in my notebook...
How our kids names, and ours combined look?
More rivers flowing past your feet...
This time expressing my DEFEAT.
I just can't get you out of me.
It's almost like your part of me.
The number one neccessity
That makes me function properly.
But also just like a disease
Thats very slowly killing me.
Stop hurting me, make me happy
Or if you cant, just let me be.
Depart from my eyes heart and memory...
Let me begin my recovery.
I hope you learned from this journey
How damaging playing with love can be.
What happen? Have you forgot about me?
You fed me to the wolves, and they were so hungry....
You've damaged my life now I cant BE
You Sir, Yes YOU, were my everything...
Abandoned.
Abandoned.
Left to wipe my own tears.
Left to fight my own fears.
I was so comfortable with you presence.
Now i'm so devastated by your absence.
Tell me what i did to you.
Im sorry, I never meant to do
Whatever ran you away from me
My GOD please bring him back to me.
SO long ago you left the scene
Snatched your support from under my lean
I really did NEED you there
It hurt so i could hardly bear.
It still hurts way down to the bone.
BEYOND the bone, it hurts my soul.
Still to this day i long for you
I dream of you, I cry for you.
I've asked my GOD why i cant let go
But i dont have an answer, i just dont know
But I know it takes my breath away
Your on my mind every single day
My chest gets heavy, And i zone out
I hide from the world to sit and pout.
I'm miserable without your vibe
I feel like i NEED you in my life
I know i'm not crazy, i just dont understand
How after so long i still miss my man.
damn there goes another tear
one more cry for one more year.
How long will i be so unhappy
When will i realize he's not coming back to me...
Oh GOD, i beg please heal me now
This pain wont heal it is so foul
You've let me get over much more hurt
Why cant i move past the one i loved first.
I never mean to question my LORD
But over n over my heart i've poured
Out to you about this pain
The wound keeps opening again and again
I dont know what i'm suppose to do
I dont know if i'll EVER get over you.
I wasn't ready to call it quits
Its just not fair this cant be it...
Abandoned with no reason at all
And thats what hurt the MOST of all.
He left me....
He left me. He left me. I cant say it enough, HE LEFT ME.
I.... I cant....it hurts so bad. Abandoned. He was all i had.
Left to wipe my own tears.
Left to fight my own fears.
I was so comfortable with you presence.
Now i'm so devastated by your absence.
Tell me what i did to you.
Im sorry, I never meant to do
Whatever ran you away from me
My GOD please bring him back to me.
SO long ago you left the scene
Snatched your support from under my lean
I really did NEED you there
It hurt so i could hardly bear.
It still hurts way down to the bone.
BEYOND the bone, it hurts my soul.
Still to this day i long for you
I dream of you, I cry for you.
I've asked my GOD why i cant let go
But i dont have an answer, i just dont know
But I know it takes my breath away
Your on my mind every single day
My chest gets heavy, And i zone out
I hide from the world to sit and pout.
I'm miserable without your vibe
I feel like i NEED you in my life
I know i'm not crazy, i just dont understand
How after so long i still miss my man.
damn there goes another tear
one more cry for one more year.
How long will i be so unhappy
When will i realize he's not coming back to me...
Oh GOD, i beg please heal me now
This pain wont heal it is so foul
You've let me get over much more hurt
Why cant i move past the one i loved first.
I never mean to question my LORD
But over n over my heart i've poured
Out to you about this pain
The wound keeps opening again and again
I dont know what i'm suppose to do
I dont know if i'll EVER get over you.
I wasn't ready to call it quits
Its just not fair this cant be it...
Abandoned with no reason at all
And thats what hurt the MOST of all.
He left me....
He left me. He left me. I cant say it enough, HE LEFT ME.
I.... I cant....it hurts so bad. Abandoned. He was all i had.
single...why?
So ok....
Dudes be askin me all the time why am i single. I say cause i dont wanna settle. Seems like a simple answer right....But it the truth. Not like i'ma rookie to relationships or men, or shall i say "boys" (cause i am a rookie to MEN) but i've developed this fear since the last relationship.....it was kinda devastating. You know girls get crushed easy, and we hold on to emotions, and all that girly shit. Well, i cant even really say i ever got over it, but i've got this fear of opening up to somebody again, and it happening all over again. Some say thats life. You live n learn. Well, i lived it for 6 years, and i learned already, i dont need 3 repeats of the situation. So there are things that i wont settle for. We can be cool, or kick it sometimes, but if i dont make you my man, and you wanna be...there is a reason. Maybe a few reasons. Forgive me for bein rude or if you get offended im sorry, but this is mySPACE, my BLOG, my FEELINGS. I dont need no broke ass nigga. I dont wanna have to pick you up everytime we do somethin, and pay for shit. I been there done that, shit gets old and annoying. I'ma girl, i wanna be picked up n drove around n paid for. I dont need a nigga that wanna live n die n the streets. Ok so you hustle. Its not a big deal if you doin other things to work toward bigger goals, and you know you wont be doin it forever. Nobody's perfect and thats understandable. If you say f*ck school, f*ck work, f*ck err thing, and you just sit around smoke, drink, and mooch off people....um we can just be friends. Them type a niggas look at me lookin fly, see me roll up in my whip n think "cha-ching"....uh naw homie. Not gone happen. I use to have a weakness for hood niggas. I still think its sexy most times, not all the time, but i'm grown now. No hood ass nigga that dont do nothin wit his life can ever be husband material. A few of my friends have opened my eyes to what some chics call the "lames". Hmm. them lames be poppin. They got it together. The boys in highschool that had they minds in the books instead of on hoes, done grew up, got sexier, and got everything goin for them....Alot to offer, stop playin. I just ran into somebody i knew from highschool at work, interviewing for residency. yeah MD status. Somebody i aint look twice at in highschool. But he remembered me... I dont need no woman beater. No woman wants to have to walk on egg shells in her own house worryin if she gone get choked up. Been there done that. That shit aint fun. Makes you stoop to levels lower than you thought you could go. Doin things in defense that could potentially ruin your life, or take his. Or you just sit around and take it. Live in fear, as it gets worse n worse. Foreal tho, what kinda man beats his girl. WHAT MAN BEATS GIRLS. I dont need a "known whore". Nuff said. I've had enough of them nights sittin waiting on a nigga to come home, yo chest heavy cant quit cryin, cant breathe, cant sleep, nauseated, dont know what to do cause you know what he out there doin. Women got a 6th sense for it. Regardless of what men believe. May think yo girl is naive. Naw, she know. She might just be ignoring it to protect her own heart, keep things cool, or just in denial. But she know. Everytime you touchin somethin that aint her....Her stomach turns. MM hmm. I dont want somebody that is immature. You have to handle business. If ya record aint perfect, at least try to get it together...And last but not least I dont want no feminine ass nigga. Thats like (excuse my language fam) a dike with a dildo. I like men. I like MANLY men. I dont want my ass kicked, but a man that know how to put his foot down, but respectably. Correct me if i'm wrong, but with love. Guide me the right way if i'm fallin short on somethin.... Not no whinin ass nigga. That is so annoying. I dont like men that beg. That is a turn off.
So this, mi amigo's, is why i'm still single. Its been 2 good long years...And it will be 2 good long more if somebody falls short. Even though i wasnt raised with the values of a wise woman who taught self respect, somehow they came from somewhere....I've done things that im not proud of, and i wouldnt necessarily call self respect, but that is life. Regardless if i fall short, the values are still there, and I refuse to commit to anotha nigga that will do me as wrong as the first. I am not a toilet, and i will not be shit on......
Comments welcome.
~Red
Dudes be askin me all the time why am i single. I say cause i dont wanna settle. Seems like a simple answer right....But it the truth. Not like i'ma rookie to relationships or men, or shall i say "boys" (cause i am a rookie to MEN) but i've developed this fear since the last relationship.....it was kinda devastating. You know girls get crushed easy, and we hold on to emotions, and all that girly shit. Well, i cant even really say i ever got over it, but i've got this fear of opening up to somebody again, and it happening all over again. Some say thats life. You live n learn. Well, i lived it for 6 years, and i learned already, i dont need 3 repeats of the situation. So there are things that i wont settle for. We can be cool, or kick it sometimes, but if i dont make you my man, and you wanna be...there is a reason. Maybe a few reasons. Forgive me for bein rude or if you get offended im sorry, but this is mySPACE, my BLOG, my FEELINGS. I dont need no broke ass nigga. I dont wanna have to pick you up everytime we do somethin, and pay for shit. I been there done that, shit gets old and annoying. I'ma girl, i wanna be picked up n drove around n paid for. I dont need a nigga that wanna live n die n the streets. Ok so you hustle. Its not a big deal if you doin other things to work toward bigger goals, and you know you wont be doin it forever. Nobody's perfect and thats understandable. If you say f*ck school, f*ck work, f*ck err thing, and you just sit around smoke, drink, and mooch off people....um we can just be friends. Them type a niggas look at me lookin fly, see me roll up in my whip n think "cha-ching"....uh naw homie. Not gone happen. I use to have a weakness for hood niggas. I still think its sexy most times, not all the time, but i'm grown now. No hood ass nigga that dont do nothin wit his life can ever be husband material. A few of my friends have opened my eyes to what some chics call the "lames". Hmm. them lames be poppin. They got it together. The boys in highschool that had they minds in the books instead of on hoes, done grew up, got sexier, and got everything goin for them....Alot to offer, stop playin. I just ran into somebody i knew from highschool at work, interviewing for residency. yeah MD status. Somebody i aint look twice at in highschool. But he remembered me... I dont need no woman beater. No woman wants to have to walk on egg shells in her own house worryin if she gone get choked up. Been there done that. That shit aint fun. Makes you stoop to levels lower than you thought you could go. Doin things in defense that could potentially ruin your life, or take his. Or you just sit around and take it. Live in fear, as it gets worse n worse. Foreal tho, what kinda man beats his girl. WHAT MAN BEATS GIRLS. I dont need a "known whore". Nuff said. I've had enough of them nights sittin waiting on a nigga to come home, yo chest heavy cant quit cryin, cant breathe, cant sleep, nauseated, dont know what to do cause you know what he out there doin. Women got a 6th sense for it. Regardless of what men believe. May think yo girl is naive. Naw, she know. She might just be ignoring it to protect her own heart, keep things cool, or just in denial. But she know. Everytime you touchin somethin that aint her....Her stomach turns. MM hmm. I dont want somebody that is immature. You have to handle business. If ya record aint perfect, at least try to get it together...And last but not least I dont want no feminine ass nigga. Thats like (excuse my language fam) a dike with a dildo. I like men. I like MANLY men. I dont want my ass kicked, but a man that know how to put his foot down, but respectably. Correct me if i'm wrong, but with love. Guide me the right way if i'm fallin short on somethin.... Not no whinin ass nigga. That is so annoying. I dont like men that beg. That is a turn off.
So this, mi amigo's, is why i'm still single. Its been 2 good long years...And it will be 2 good long more if somebody falls short. Even though i wasnt raised with the values of a wise woman who taught self respect, somehow they came from somewhere....I've done things that im not proud of, and i wouldnt necessarily call self respect, but that is life. Regardless if i fall short, the values are still there, and I refuse to commit to anotha nigga that will do me as wrong as the first. I am not a toilet, and i will not be shit on......
Comments welcome.
~Red
he nervous?? lol
Lol........Dammit he so fine, i'm feelin everything about himGotta swagga so intriguing, oww...lightweight got me excited...Just'a smilin tryna hide it, that he feelin me the sameI can tell he bein real too, aint been tryna spit no gameGenuinely interested, he actin so sincereAw...he cant hold on to his eye contact, do i smell a little fear..Thats whats up, i got this brotha just as nervous as a thiefButterflies in his stomach, n from what...little ol me?Now confidence is creepin up, i got the upper handI know now if i want to i can make this boy my man...Been so shy for way too long, so this is feelin kinda good.I got the power now to use n have this mr sexy woo'd.... haha i make niggas nervous tho? what........
Untitled 2
It started off like "Damn, he so cute, and I know he got hoes...
But i dont care, it wont go that far...this will be fun
its so wrong in so many ways
But its callin...and he's calling my name
Before i know it i'm wrapped up
Twisted in a blanket of emotion
Cant see clearly, talkin jibberish....
Don't even know myself what I'm sayin at times....
I'm tryna be cool, I wanna be cool....
I wanna be who I was....
I want it to be back FUN.....
But the feelings have already begun.....
How I hate that word now....
it sounds so weak and unstable....
so needy, so feeble....
so attached, so unwilling….....
Oh my, what have I done?....
And now I'm hurt by my own mistake....
expecting him to accommodate....
my new found emotion....
cause its "his fault I'm open"
What did he do to me??....
And how do I get rid of it?....
How do I get rid of him?....
He's really just being him…....
N I'm really just wanting him…....
But I really cant have him.....
So tell me can I blame him?....
I knew how he was ....
from the very first "what up"
Tho I tried to be tough....
I've done grew some love…....
Denying to myself like hell naw, that's too much....
Like JADE, what the F*CK??....
I'm so much smarter than this.....
Perhaps I'm just trippin....
Cause how I be flippin....
enabling his pimpin....
Then tell him I'm dippin....
he like "Here she go again…"
So frustrated with it....
I wish I could kill it....
I don't want this feeling....
I need a clear head….....
But its all in the things he said…....
How he put all these things in my mind....
Over decent amount of time....
How I opened myself to his life….style....
man what a big mistake....
Such ugliness starting to shape....
Wonder why he don't like me the same…....
cause he's now thinkin that I'M INSANE.....
Even I cant get hold of my brain…....
What am I to do now? ....
What am I to do…….....
Worse thing I could ever do….....
I wish it would just go away.....
But i dont care, it wont go that far...this will be fun
its so wrong in so many ways
But its callin...and he's calling my name
Before i know it i'm wrapped up
Twisted in a blanket of emotion
Cant see clearly, talkin jibberish....
Don't even know myself what I'm sayin at times....
I'm tryna be cool, I wanna be cool....
I wanna be who I was....
I want it to be back FUN.....
But the feelings have already begun.....
How I hate that word now....
it sounds so weak and unstable....
so needy, so feeble....
so attached, so unwilling….....
Oh my, what have I done?....
And now I'm hurt by my own mistake....
expecting him to accommodate....
my new found emotion....
cause its "his fault I'm open"
What did he do to me??....
And how do I get rid of it?....
How do I get rid of him?....
He's really just being him…....
N I'm really just wanting him…....
But I really cant have him.....
So tell me can I blame him?....
I knew how he was ....
from the very first "what up"
Tho I tried to be tough....
I've done grew some love…....
Denying to myself like hell naw, that's too much....
Like JADE, what the F*CK??....
I'm so much smarter than this.....
Perhaps I'm just trippin....
Cause how I be flippin....
enabling his pimpin....
Then tell him I'm dippin....
he like "Here she go again…"
So frustrated with it....
I wish I could kill it....
I don't want this feeling....
I need a clear head….....
But its all in the things he said…....
How he put all these things in my mind....
Over decent amount of time....
How I opened myself to his life….style....
man what a big mistake....
Such ugliness starting to shape....
Wonder why he don't like me the same…....
cause he's now thinkin that I'M INSANE.....
Even I cant get hold of my brain…....
What am I to do now? ....
What am I to do…….....
Worse thing I could ever do….....
I wish it would just go away.....
once upon a time
Down about a man...against everything i am I console my friends, on troubles with their men But when it comes to me, I just SO can't see... What about what I said, when my best friends heart bled... sounded so good at the time, now its nowhere in my mind. Last night I just cried. Hopin that its a lie That shit cannot be. I cant have my heart bleed. Its already scarred, and its fragile by far. I had warned him of this, while i was still in "bliss" Once upon a time, when he was still in my life He was the shit to me, but was too guarded to see. Tried to make me seem crazy. I'm TOO MUCH OF A LADY. But he was too busy, pointing fingers at me. Innocent to the T....but made LOOK so guilty. So it frustrated me, and just made me angry. Things only got worse. She he then ran to her. Or maybe not so...maybe she was there befo... Dont matter now-a-days...cause now she's there to stay. I got moved out the way, and completely replaced. He just had no idea, how i kept it so real. Now everything that i feel, makes it real hard to heal. I know it was my choice, to be harsh with my voice. Part frustrated at ME. But he just wouldn't see... I aint lie but ONE TIME...way before we crossed the line. I was SO open and tru, and he wasn't even my dude. Steady disrespect, and developed neglect Arguments like a couple, while emotions, like, DOUBLED. We BOTH crossed the line. I was YOURS, you weren't mine... And i only like your intamacy, cause i liked YOU intellectually. After sayin so much, and playin with love Then you twisted you words, but babe YOU SAID IT FIRST. So you aint mean a thing, that you ever said to me.... Thats too bad, cause I DID. Guess it didnt mean shit. Always wantin somethin, thats way outta my reach. Guess I just cant have, what i wanted so bad. But i thought i could do, what i put my mind to.... I put it to you, and I put my heart too... But in "LA-LA-land", I musta been again... Cause now I'm just hurt. And now you got her. Shoulda woulda coulda, wouldn't a worked in this mess... So congrats on your gain. And i wish u the best. Once upon a time...you was THAT NIGGA to me....but you just aint know, thats 2 bad u couldnt see. ~Red
soul session
When your soul is connected, you can pull u can tug But ain't no gettin away, ain't nowhere u can run Its like runnin from GOD, but he's everywhere Like an invisible belly cord, u ain't goin no where. And it'll hurt it will burn it will make u so sick Be creative as u want but ain't no fixin it So u continue to hurt somedays more then the last And your future on hold cause u can't let go of the past.... What is it? Damn.....what is it??
thats my nigga right there...
Damn….where’d u come from, u snuck up on me boy
Doin all the right shit, gots ta say, I’m wanting u more n more…
Hate to see you leave, I just wanna be up under u
Swagg so liscious, lips delicious, AND he hella cool…
Somethin nice to look at too, get caught up in them eyes.
I might’a hyped some dudes before, but my body language don’t lie.
I almost think he’s everything I wanted in this way
But shit…its early to confess all that, but it could just head that way
He makes me smile, I make him laugh
I kidnap him, he blows my back…..out….I mean OWW….
What the @#% this nigga done??
Shit he can roll with me and bring his sons….haha
Its whateva boo, you are the ONE.
Well…you could be. I mean, you SHOULD be…lets have some fun.
Who wouldn’t like you? Shit, who wouldn’t like me?
We like a perfect team, so lets go chase some dreams…
I like the way that sound “u n me”, endless possibilities.
I’m ZONIN boo, just pardon me…ha
My mind keep flashing back to this week...end…
Hmm…he was DEEP in…n I was FEE-NIN
And he stuck around, I could get use to that.
I hope he comin back, because im comin back…cause I WANT THAT.
I mean I want YOU….you are WHAT IT DO. N I am feelin you…
You the shit boo, and we click boo….see we FIT boo….
Ha I’m zonin again, got me writin again
N I’m just thinkin of him, Thoughts exiting thru pens…
I already miss my friend…. N its just the beginnin…
This should be fun tho, I need to take it slow…
But I need to move fast, cause I cant let that pass…ha
Cause he da…he da best I eva had….AIGHT I quit…hahaa
Doin all the right shit, gots ta say, I’m wanting u more n more…
Hate to see you leave, I just wanna be up under u
Swagg so liscious, lips delicious, AND he hella cool…
Somethin nice to look at too, get caught up in them eyes.
I might’a hyped some dudes before, but my body language don’t lie.
I almost think he’s everything I wanted in this way
But shit…its early to confess all that, but it could just head that way
He makes me smile, I make him laugh
I kidnap him, he blows my back…..out….I mean OWW….
What the @#% this nigga done??
Shit he can roll with me and bring his sons….haha
Its whateva boo, you are the ONE.
Well…you could be. I mean, you SHOULD be…lets have some fun.
Who wouldn’t like you? Shit, who wouldn’t like me?
We like a perfect team, so lets go chase some dreams…
I like the way that sound “u n me”, endless possibilities.
I’m ZONIN boo, just pardon me…ha
My mind keep flashing back to this week...end…
Hmm…he was DEEP in…n I was FEE-NIN
And he stuck around, I could get use to that.
I hope he comin back, because im comin back…cause I WANT THAT.
I mean I want YOU….you are WHAT IT DO. N I am feelin you…
You the shit boo, and we click boo….see we FIT boo….
Ha I’m zonin again, got me writin again
N I’m just thinkin of him, Thoughts exiting thru pens…
I already miss my friend…. N its just the beginnin…
This should be fun tho, I need to take it slow…
But I need to move fast, cause I cant let that pass…ha
Cause he da…he da best I eva had….AIGHT I quit…hahaa
confusion
I can be me around him, and that's what gets me the most.It wasn't pose to be like this, but shit now we gettin close.He kiss these lips like they his, i kiss his like they mine...He callin everyday...n spendin hella time.He all up under me, just like i want him to beBut yet he still aint claimin me, so what could his reason be?He either skept but into me, or he could be usin me...And tho i'm kinda scared, i'm just gone wait and see. I just cant see him tryna use me...i aint got shit...Plus his swagg is off the chain, and his ego kinda big...He got me buggin B, like well damn....whats wrong wit me?Feelin like im owned but at the same time i'm still free.He got shit goin on, but i hope it wont be longBefore his problems gone and he come up out this zone...I'ma try to stick it out cause i know what stress's aboutBut sometimes i sit n pout, cause my mind is full of doubt.I need some patience tho, cause I just wanna let goBut i wanna let him know, REAL TALK i'm here for him, fa shoThen he zone me out again...and i feel my heart backinOut of it like "girl...F*** HIM", cause myself i'm protectin....I'm so confused it hurts. Tryna see if its really worthTryna fly but bite the dirt, all on somebody else turf.Seem like he want me here, but he actin so damn scared?I aint said lets go get married, just tryna show i'm carinIs he nervous to take it there? Or do he even care?His mind is so out there....but is his heart anywhere near?I always seem to get into, things i wish i wouldnt doGuess thats how you live n learn, gotta just let that shit burn.I'ma ride it till the end, cause i know its gonna end. But i'm happy i met him, just thinkin of him makes me grin.Damn it this should be a sin, I dont like to be played witI wish i knew how this would end, so my heart aint left open.I'm his friend, its complicated. But i want him so much i hate it.I dont need no more best friends...i just really need a man.So will he be it? stay and post? or will he fall off n get ghostThat seems to be the case about the ones i want the most. I probably just need to back up, step back behind the glass...Dont wanna let my hopes get high n then get knocked back on my ass.He's my buddy, i'm his friend. Let me remind myself again.I think i need to not kiss him, cause i just melt right into him.I dont want him to pretend, just to keep me cool with him.He's my buddy, i'm his friend. Let me remind myself again......snap myself back to reality....n let me quit trippin........
cats and dogs
Some females, its like, they got testosterone runnin thru their blood. Their minds are damaged because they are constantly trying to understand men. Their hearts are so beat up, they now have scar tissue, and scar tissue is forever, unless it is surgically removed. So is there a dr. in the house? See women purposely harden their hearts thinking they will protect themselves from the pain of heartbreak again. But it only makes things worse, cause then they start thinkin their “hard” now. They like “f these niggas, I’ma do them like they do us” and start running thru men. See now that alone poses potential problems. She might end up pregnant or wit a std and not know who’s to blame. She might get a bad reputation, and while niggas are smilin in her face and acting like they like her, really they just getting in where they fit in, cause they will pass you around with no problem. She’s now proud cause she banged the crew. So when they crew cuts the cord, cause they found the next bop star, she’s left in a drought, and back to being sad and lonely talkin bout “niggas aint shit”. Women think they can play the game like men. We may have our own techniques (a classic is holding out) but see how can that work, when the next chic is always willing to give it up. Our generation of men say M.O.B. or hell now its M.O.E. and that often includes their children. Like I said we may be able to keep up for a little bit, but see men do have testosterone running thru their blood. Its what makes them manly, aggressive, horny, and its where they get all their energy from! I may be the girliest of all girls. I admit I am emotional. I’m kind of spoiled. I have major mood swings at times. I think too much. I almost never can make up my mind. And some of my closee’s have said I get attached to easy. I wont deny it. But I don’t try to force men to want me. As a matter of fact, if I feel unwanted, I will remove myself from the situation, regardless of how it hurts my feelings to. I don’t try to read men’s minds, or understand why they do what they do. I have accepted the fact that they just don’t care as much as women do. I admit I will make a thousand excuses for a nigga. And even if there is no excuse or way around I always seem to get past whatever it was. My own fault. Its like women have to work so hard to keep a man. They are no longer working for us ladies. Gucci said “hoes is like busses, miss 1 next 15 one comin”. And that’s the damn truth. And he will hop right on, and forget all about you
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